You've probably come here expecting me to go raging about PvZ like I did with PvZ2. Nope, not gonna go there again. I'm just gonna take out my anger by mocking EA with various other games that have yet to become freemium.
Yay, I beat level 1! *clicks next level*
"Sorry, your birds are tired. Please wait four thousand years for them to wake up. You can also pay with gems to wake them up."
Okay... *clicks to pay with gems*
"You don't have enough gems. You have 0 gems and you need 200. Would you like to buy some gems?
"Your options are 100 gems for $99.99 or 300 for $199.99 (BEST DEAL!!!). You can also come back tomorrow for your daily reward, with a 1% chance of getting half a gem!"
"You start with 11 free balls at the beginning of the game. You can use a maximum of 10 balls per level. You can get more balls by waiting, or you can buy them in bulk. You will get one ball every 48 hours. You can buy 3 balls for $1.99, 10 balls for $20.99, or 90124889127491827498013249027149807352190573190430571093 balls for $99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.99 (bESt DEal!11!!!!11!)"
Sonic the Hedgehog
"You don't have enough flickies to unlock the next level. You need 182748792o43871366589273 and you have 1. Would you like to pay Dr. Eggman to let some go for you?"
"You can pay $29.99 to free 5 flickies. Or, you can purchase a subscription for $5 a month and get 10 flickies every month. Or or, you can pay twenty easy payments of $99.99 to force Eggman to surrender all the flickies to you."
Why is this game in existance?
"Oh no! Your flicky has been stolen by Dr. Eggman. You now have -1. Would you like to pay Eggman to give it back?"
"Your bird has serious brain damage from crashing head-first into that pipe. Would you like to pay for an operation to make him all better?"
What did you do EA...
"You can pay to get him better for $599.99. You can also just buy another bird for 30 gems. Would you like to do so?"
"Sorry, but you only have 1 gems. Would you like to buy more gems? You can get 40 gems for $95959595959595.95."
F**K YOU EA!
EA's Newest Game
EA made a new game! It's called "Collect Coins". Sounds like fun, right? Who doesn't love coins?
"Welcome to Collect Coins! This game is all about collecting as many coins as you possibly can. Try collecting some yourself!"
*ten coins appear on screen* *clicks on them to collect them*
"Good job! To collect more coins, purchase them from the in-game shop."
Really? That's the only way to collect them? What's the point of them if you don't do anything with them?
"Go to the shop to buy more coins."
"You can collect 2,000,000 more coins for only $2.99! You can also collect 3,000,000 coins for only $3.99 (B€$T D€AL!¡!¡)"
I'm deleting this app. *tries to exit app*
"To close this app, you must first collect 5,000,000 coins."
"To delete this app, you must first collect 10,000,000 coins."
"To stop this app from sending you a push notification every three seconds that repeatedly plays an annoying jingle until you open the app and collect more coins, you must collect 500,000,000 coins in the next ten seconds."
*throws phone at the wall*
*phone starts flying and transforms into a giant laser cannon aimed at me*
"To avoid being demolished by a laser, you must give EA all of your life savings in the next ten seconds."
I should probably stop there. Don't want to give them any ideas.