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Everything Wrong With Plants vs. Zombies 1 In X Minutes Or Less Part 3

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Part 3, continuing from this blog.

So, starting at number 293...

  1. Whenever you buy a seed slot, Crazy Dave raises the price. The last two are total ripoffs.
  2. Also, why do you have a limited amount of space for seeds anyway?
  3. Garden Rakes are suddenly lethal.
  4. Also, Garden Rake joke stolen from Simpsons.
  5. Spikerock isn't available to buy until you enter the Roof stage, the one stage where it's totally useless.
  6. How does Wall-nut First Aid work? Surely planting something on top of something would make a tower of two of that something, rather than repairing the first something.
  7. Bacon.
  8. Dave will sell Marigolds, and then buy them back for more than you spent on them. Why doesn't he just grow them himself?
  9. Why is a Gold Watering Can any better than a normal one?
  10. Gardening Gloves are needed to move plants, even though they're usually in pots that you can pick up by hand.
  11. A Wheelbarrow is needed to move plants to different gardens, even though they're usually in pots that you can pick up by hand.
  12. Mushroom and Aquarium Gardens are too f**king expensive.
  13. Stinky was a Sea Snail before, how did he evolve into a Land Snail?
  14. Tree of Wisdom costs too much to grow to 1,000 feet. Let me tell you how much you spent on the Tree if you got it to that height. $2,497,500!
  15. Also, after growing it to 50 feet, all his hints are pointless, just telling you about cheat codes that don't give you actual cheats.
  16. With Mystery Sprouts, how come they're more likely than normal sprouts to turn into a plant you don't have?
  17. In the Zen Garden, Marigolds give out less cash than other plants.
  18. Aquarium Garden doubles as a Zombiquarium.
  19. Snails eat chocolate apparently.
  20. Plants also eat chocolate apparently.
  21. Zombies with strange glasses are apparently from the future.
  22. Surely the "future" code should make zombies wear red jumpsuits, predicting PvZ2.
  23. You can make zombies push up daisies.
  24. Dance code has no effect on Dancing Zombies.
  25. Or Backup Dancers.
  26. Pinata code predicts the future.
  27. Tree of Wisdom states the obvious when he says that Tall-nuts counter Dolphins and Pogos.
  28. Also, he states the obvious about busting graves with Grave Busters.
  29. Also, he states the obvious about Magnet-shrooms against Ladders.
  30. OF COURSE VASEBREAKER IS EASIER IF YOU START AT THE RIGHT.
  31. OF COURSE CATTAILS POP BALLOONS, IT SAYS SO IN THE ALMANAC.
  32. Yes, we know Torchwoods and Snow Peas don't work together.
  33. Yes, we know Flags on the level meter reflect how long it is.
  34. Wall-nuts vs. Zombotanies, duh.
  35. The Tree repeats that Bucketheads take five times as much damage as normal zombies. FALSE!
  36. Chocolate doesn't drop in the Zen Garden game mode, smarty pants.
  37. Puff-shrooms aren't essential at night either, smarty pants.
  38. Tree of Wisdom tries to steal money you make from Survival: Endless...but what would he do with it?
  39. Roof Cleaners give you a shot at beating Pogo Party? So as in, you need them? I can beat it without Tall-nuts, Magnet-shrooms or Flower Pots in my seed tray, and without losing Roof Cleaners. This tree really isn't that smart.
  40. We know Jalapenos melt ice trails, that's obvious.
  41. OF COURSE SLOWED ZOMBIES EAT PLANTS SLOWER YOU F**KING TREE, WE KNOW THAT!
  42. How do you deal with Snorkellers? You don't even play this game, you don't have to deal with them!
  43. Also, he states the obvious about how to defeat them.
  44. Chompers and Wall-nuts work kinda well together, but why didn't you suggest Pumpkins instead because it's the only thing that makes Chomper even semi-useful.
  45. Zombotany Zombies defy all laws of science, and there's no given explanation as to why or how they exist.
  46. Also, Wall-nut Zombies are just Bucketheads without a weakness to magnets.
  47. Slot Machine, because gambling is fun!
  48. Also, Slot Machine has a boring selection of zombies.
  49. It's Raining Seeds gives too many types of seeds.
  50. Also, as in conveyor-belt levels, these seed packets are one-time use only. Why do they only contain one seed?
  51. Also, how are the seeds falling from the sky?
  52. Also, it's a four-flag Fog level. F**K THAT.
  53. Beghouled, an advert in disguise.
  54. Also, you can move plants in it.
  55. Invisi-ghoul, because everyone knows fighting invisible enemies is fun!
  56. Zombonis are pointless in Invisi-ghoul, the ice trail tells you EXACTLY where they are.
  57. Also, plants can see invisible zombies.
  58. In certain versions of the game that include bushes where the zombies spawn, you can still see the bushes move where zombies appear, meaning that you know where all the zombies are!
  59. Seeing Stars, because everyone loves Starfruit.
  60. Also, why can we only plant Starfruit and Pumpkins on the outlined spaces? Why can't we plant other stuff then dig it up later?
  61. Why would someone arbitrarily decide in the middle of a zombie attack that he/she wants to make a picture of a plant out of that plant?
  62. Zombiquarium sucks.
  63. Zombiquarium has no version of the alien attacks seen in Insaniquarium. WHY CAN'T WE FIGHT A TANGLE KELP OR SOMETHING?
  64. Beghouled Twist is identical to Beghouled aside from the way you move plants.
  65. Portal Combat, way to rip off both Portal AND Mortal Kombat at once. Expect a lawsuit from Valve and Midway.
  66. Also, they can reduce the length of a lane from nine spaces to ZERO spaces.
  67. Also, this mini-game is too random and frustrating.
  68. Column Like You See 'Em is sometimes rather luck-based.
  69. Also, it starts with a huge wave.
  70. Also, Jalapeno equals kill all zombies button.
  71. In Bobsled Bonanza, you're f**ked if you get loads of Bobsled Teams to start. Five Bobsleds before the first Zomboni? Impossible.
  72. Also, it's too long, most people who can beat it have a reliable defence set up by the second flag and so the rest of the level is just watching all the zombies get pwned.
  73. Also, why if you remove all the ice trails do regular and Ducky Tube Zombies appear? Shouldn't it just send more Zombonis?
  74. Zombie Nimble Zombie Quick SOUNDS bad, but since the plants are sped up too, it's a cakewalk.
  75. Last Stand starts you out with lots of sun, meaning you have a load reserved, but why does none fall from the sky?
  76. Also, why do zombies drop sun?
  77. Also, why aren't you allowed Sun Producing plants to supplement your sun reserves?
  78. Zombotany 2, because re-using Mini-games is a great idea!
  79. Squash Zombies are the only Zombotany with no Ducky Tube version because reasons.
  80. Tall-nut Zombies are OHKO'd by some instant-kills and survive others.
  81. Gatling Pea Zombies exist because...why? By the time they show up you'll likely have defensive plants in every row and even Gatling Peas barely hurt your nuts (that sounds wrong).
  82. So Screen Door Zombies are OHKO'd by a ricochet Wall-nut, but Newspapers aren't?
  83. Also, a Screen Door has more health than a Bucket here, despite having the same health in normal gameplay.
  84. Giant Wall-nuts can't be used in normal levels.
  85. Pogo Party is too easy. No, seriously.
  86. Dr. Zomboss's Revenge is just the final boss repeated.
  87. How come you can apply butter to zombies in Buttered Popcorn and Co-op Modes?
  88. Also, Buttered Popcorn isn't available in the free Android version, only the paid one, even though the free one already spams adverts at you constantly.
  89. Dolphin Riders. In a level with just Cob Cannons. That's just evil.
  90. Heavy Weapon can be luck-based.
  91. Heavy Weapon is more of PopCap advertising their other games.
  92. All upgrades in Heavy Weapon except Snow Pea/Torchwood are taken from the game of the same name. Repeater/Threepeater are spread shot, Cattail is homing missiles, and Doom-shroom is nuke.
  93. BOMB All Together for some reason has caps lock used on the first word.
  94. Also, it's more of a puzzle than a mini-game.
  95. Why does Homerun Derby exist?
  96. Air Raid, because after defeating Zomboss with an army of plants, you need to fight him again with just a single Gatling Pea in a flying Flower Pot.
  97. Zombie Trap uses no plants whatsoever to kill all the zombies.
  98. There are Cancelled Mini-games found by hacking on their own Limbo Page.
  99. Art Challenge Wall-nut and Sunflower are just rejected versions of Seeing Stars.
  100. Sunny Day is too pathetically easy.
  101. Also, why is the sun bigger than normal?
  102. Unsodded is actually really creative, why was it cancelled?
  103. Big Time is too pathetically easy.
  104. Also, Giant Wall-nut's return!
  105. Also, hackers found that Pole Vaulters can get over the Giant Wall-nut in this level.
  106. Art Challenge Sunflower isn't a Sunflower made from Sunflowers.
  107. The original Air Raid is absolutely the most unfairly EVIL level ever in PvZ1.
  108. Seriously, I've never played the mini-game, but I can tell that Big Wave Beach is just barely harder, so the difficulty of Air Raid will count as TWO sins. This is the second sin.
  109. Also, it's a fog level, just to make it even worse.
  110. Ice Level is just the leftover from an April Fools Snow Stage.
  111. It's also totally unplayable.
  112. High Gravity forces you to use non-projectile plants, like Jester Zombies.
  113. Also, Balloonists are pretty pointless in this level because they only skip three spaces before landing.
  114. Grave Danger is a rather pointless Mini-game, no wonder it got cancelled.
  115. Can You Dig It is SOOO PREDICTABLE. It's more boring than that Cabbage-only Pinata Party that doesn't give you anything else until nearly the final flag.
  116. Dark Stormy Night, because 4-10 was fun and Dolphins make it funner!
  117. Bungee Blitz got cancelled why? I mean it appears in 5-5, it would make sense to actually have a mini-game version that's available without hax.
  118. Intro is...weird. Seriously, why's it on this Limbo page?
  119. Cancelled Survival: Endless modes? Oh great. I mean, Pool was chosen because it allows the widest variety of zombies to appear and plants to be used, but unlike Fog, wouldn't be too frustrating because of the Fog. SO OTHER S:E MODES ARE STUPID.
  120. Upsell, because if you have access to the Limbo Page you surely don't have the full version.
  121. Squirrel isn't even on the Limbo Page.
  122. Squirrel is the weirdest mini-game yet, since Intro doesn't count.
  123. Zen Garden and Tree of Wisdom are on the Limbo Page, why exactly?
  124. Vasebreaker makes plenty of sense, the zombies can obviously fit into those vases.
  125. Also, Seed Packets that once again only contain one seed each.
  126. Why do they use Backwards Repeaters instead of Split Peas? PvZ2 used Split Peas.
  127. In Chain Reaction, Jack spam means there are too few zombies capable of eating your brains.
  128. In M is for Metal, the Jack can eat your brains!
  129. Also, Hypno-shrooms and Magnet-shrooms, seriously? What if you try to hypnotize a Footballer only for its helmet to get stolen at the last second?
  130. Scary Potter, because they had to use the beta name for Vasebreaker.
  131. Try beating the Buckethead in Hokey Pokey without squashing it. It's near-impossible.
  132. Another Chain Reaction is extremely luck-based, as early Pogos getting released can be deadly.
  133. Planterns can let you see into vases for some reason.
  134. Okay, so normal zombies MIGHT be able to fit into the vases if they're contortionists, because the vases are pretty big, but a Gargantuar just can't fit into that space. And at least PvZ2 realized that.
  135. Also, Gargs break vases.
  136. Actually, how did the zombies get into the vases in the first place?
  137. And how did the vases get onto the lawn in the first place?
  138. Cardboard cut-outs can act like plants.
  139. The player just happens to have brains lying around to help the zombies train.
  140. Also, you help the zombies train.
  141. Also, they don't eat your brain.
  142. Also, zombies cost sun.
  143. Also, cardboard Sunflowers give sun when eaten.
  144. Diggers are of minimal use in Can You Dig It because getting a row unprotected from Diggers that earns decent sun is unlikely.
  145. Totally Nuts gives you exactly what you need to render Wall-nuts useless, so why have Wall-nuts?
  146. Balloonists are USELESS in Dead Zeppelin.
  147. Gargs in Me, Smash will NEVER die unless there are two Squashes in a row.
  148. Me, Smash combines Snow Peas and Torchwoods.
  149. Dancing Zombies cost more than Gargs.
  150. Imps are totally different in I, Zombie to everywhere else.
  151. "All your brainz r belong to us" is based on "All your base are belong to us", which could've been used for a vasebreaker pun instead.
  152. Also, that level is actually a semi-decent challenge, unlike most Puzzles in this game.
  153. In I, Zombie Endless, you'll be living off the sun you get from Scaredy-spam levels.
  154. THAT MAGNET-FUME LEVEL.
  155. THAT SPLIT SNOWPEATER LEVEL.
  156. THAT F**KING STARWEED LEVEL.
  157. WHY DO KERNEL-PULTS SPAM BUTTER SO MUCH IN I, ZOMBIE???
  158. The Bungee Sunflower glitch is OP in versions where you can pull it off without a hack of some kind.
  159. Ah, Giga-gargantuars. How do red eyes give one zombie double their normal health?
  160. Versus Mode, where zombies pwn plants easily. Seriously, Huge Waves can be spammed faster than Big Wave Beach spams them. Even Moonshan as plants couldn't possibly defeat me as zombies.
  161. In Co-op Bowling, why do Zombonis survive Explode-o-nuts?
  162. In Co-op Bowling, Gargs takes only four hits.
  163. Gargs also throw their Imp after three, not two.
  164. Co-op Roof sends Dancing Zombies.
  165. Co-op Roof sends Digger Zombies.
PvZ Sin Tally

P.S. Kudos to anyone who knows the significance of 16,656. P.P.S. It's actually a reference to something in a non-PvZ game.

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