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The (As Yet Untitled) Object Show - Episode 1a: Stay Strong

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Here we go. I applied for being a writer for Inanimate Insanity, and this is a practice run. Yes, there will be voting in the future.

TEH SCRIPT

[ORANGE is binge-watching Inanimate Insanity. He finishes the final episode]

ORANGE: Yay! That was the best thing I’ve ever seen!

[BLUEBERRY enters]

BLUEBERRY: Hey Orange, what did you just watch?

ORANGE:  Huh? Who said that?

BLUEBERRY: It’s me, Blueberry!

ORANGE: Who the heck is there! It’s like there’s this weird voice in my head!

BLUEBERRY: OMIGOSH ORANGE I’M RIGHT HERE!!!!! [Jumps on ORANGE’s head]

ORANGE: Oh… hi Blueberry, what’s up?

BLUEBERRY: Nothing much, I just wanted to know what you were watching.

ORANGE: It was Inanimate Insanity. You know, that show where they all compete for a million dollars?

BLUEBERRY: Oh, that one.

ORANGE: Don’t you wish you could be on one of those Object Shows?

BLUEBERRY: Yeah, that would be pretty cool.

[RADIO spontaneously appears]

RADIO: Well good news! Someone’s organising this huge competition!

ORANGE: Woah! Cool! [pause] So, um… how long have you been here, Radio?

RADIO: About 15 minutes.

BLUEBERRY: Creepy…

ORANGE: So, let’s go and see what this Object Show’s about guys!

BLUEBERRY and RADIO: Yeah!

[They walk along a path and see a mysterious LAMP]

LAMP: Hello, you two! How would you like to participate in my new Object Show?

ORANGE: Sure…?

RADIO: What’s the big prize?

LAMP: It’s a… VIRTUAL REALITY SUITE!

BLUEBERRY: Cool! That sounds really different from all of the other prizes!

LAMP: Huh? Who said that?

BLUEBERRY: Seriously, this AGAIN?!

ORANGE: Oh, sorry. Lamp, I presume, this is Blueberry sitting on my head.

LAMP: Oh, hello there Blueberry. Sorry I missed you out.

BLUEBERRY: [Sighs]

LAMP: Anyway, now that we have you three, we have twenty contestants!

RADIO: Wow, how did you get that many? I thought there weren’t any other objects for miles!

LAMP: That’s none of your business. But now let’s take some time to meet each other!

KEY: Aha! Look! It’s three new guys! You must be Orange and Radio, the hyperactive and stalker type!

BLUEBERRY: BUT WHAT ABOUT-

KEY: And you, little fella, are Blueberry! You’re the ignored type, I guess.

SANDPAPER: Wow Key, you are such a nerd.

KEY: I am NOT! CC, though…

CC: Oh, you imbeciles… Hey look! It’s a drop of Hydrochloric Acid!

ACID: I’d prefer to be called Acid, you nerd.

ALKALI: Hey Acid, don’t be mean to CC.

ACID: Shut up, Alkali! [Starts slapping ALKALI]

ALKALI: Ouch…

LETTUCE: Guys, guys! I wanna know why you argue so much!

ACID: None of your business!

ALKALI: I have no choice. I need to balance out Acid, and he needS to do the same to me… I’m sorry if we’re causing any trouble.

LETTUCE: It’s fine.

RING: Hiiiiiiiiii, Trainer!

TRAINER: Umm… Hi, Ring?

RING: How are youuuuuuu?

TRAINER: I’m… fine… Look over there Ring, it’s Magnet!

RING: OH. MY. GOSH. MAGNET ILOVEYOUSOMUCH! [Runs over to MAGNET and clings onto him]

MAGNET: Here we go again…

[A short distance away…]

PADDLE: Why, hello Highlighter! What’s up?

[HIGHLIGHTER frantically gestures to PEBBLE and POTATO, who are eating an egg white]

PADDLE: WHAT?! Ping Pong Ball?! NO! [She runs over to PEBBLE and slaps him]

PEBBLE: What was I doing, Big Red Circle?

PADDLE: Oh… it’s just an egg white. Sorry, Pebble.

POTATO: I’M LATEX INTOLERANT!!!!!!

PADDLE: Um… I’m just gonna leave now. [PADDLE walks by AXE and she winces] Are you gonna  see the weird bunch?

AXE: I think so.

PADDLE: Well don’t.

AXE: Hey, Pebble and Potato!

PEBBLE: OH MY GOSH!! RUN, NUGGET, RUN! IT’S A WEIRD WOODY-METALLY-THING!

AXE: [sighs] Paddle was right.

[Meanwhile SNOWFLAKE is laughing maniacally at the drama]

SNOWFLAKE: Mwahahahaha! It’s so much fun to watch all those fools slowly kill each other!

STICKER: Snowflake, you should try to be nicer to the others and maybe you can get farther in the-

SNOWFLAKE: Shut up, kid!

STICKER: Kid? Ah yes, I remember those days… good times, good times…

SNOWFLAKE: Ugh, you’re so boring. I wish there was someone who was actually cool. I guess I can look-

LAMP: Okay, that’s enough socialising, guys. It’s time to determine who will be the team captains!

TRAINER: So, what’s the challenge?

LAMP: I’ll show you. Come on!

[Intro]

LAMP: So, all of you are on a huge rock formation high above the clouds.

[It turns out they are]

AXE: Yikes! How did that happen?

LAMP: Well, I have magical powers. Anyway, the challenge is to be the last two on the platform. There are no other rules, so you can be as rough as you want. OKAY, GO!

[BLUEBERRY approaches ORANGE]

BLUEBERRY: Hey Orange, down here.

ORANGE: Wha? Oh, hi Blueberry.

BLUEBERRY: I was thinking that we should form an alliance!

ORANGE: That’s actually a pretty good idea! So we can help each other not get eliminated?

BLUEBERRY: That’s pretty much the long and short of it. If we weren’t in this, we’d probably end up like Sticker.

STICKER: Oh, how I love the canyon. Reminds me of the times I was with my father back in the good old days…

TRAINER: Spare the boring talk Sticker, I want to win this! [Pushes STICKER off of the edge]

[Over with ACID and ALKALI]

ACID: Hey Alkali, I’m going to win this competition and then you will become my slave! Mwahahahaha!

ALKALI: That’s a nice thought Acid, but you’re going down! [Tries to push ACID off, but can’t]

ACID: Ha! You’re SO weak, Alkali! Now take this! [Kicks ALKALI off]

LETTUCE: Acid! You’ve got to stop being so mean to Alkali! How would you like it if I pushed you off, right here, right now?

ACID: Well, I wouldn’t mind, because you’re just as weak as-  [Gets pushed off by LETTUCE]

SNOWFLAKE: Hey, Lettuce.

LETTUCE: What do you want now, Snowflake?

SNOWFLAKE: I was just saying that I’m turning over a new leaf and be nicer to people.

LETTUCE: Really?

SNOWFLAKE: Yes, really! See? I’m gonna go over to CC and try and be friends with her.

LETTUCE: I’ll be watching you, Snowflake.

SNOWFLAKE: Hi there, Computer Chip! What’s happenin’?

CC: What happened to you? Anyway, I am just trying to calculate the height of this unorthodox formation.

SNOWFLAKE: Why don’t you look down?

CC: Hmm… I think that is a valid point! [Looks down, gets kicked off the formation by SNOWFLAKE] Amazing! This was such a good idea! Hold on a second… oh no! I am freefalling at a rate of 30 metres per sec- [hits the bottom]

LETTUCE: [sighs] I knew she wouldn’t change.

SNOWFLAKE: Who’s next? Aha, you! [Points at KEY]

KEY: What do you want, Snowflake?

SNOWFLAKE: I’m gonna kick you off so I can win this challenge, and so I can hear the satisfying THUD that you make when you hit the ground and DIE!

KEY: You are aware that I can predict the very near future, right?

SNOWFLAKE: Yeah…

KEY: Well, I’m gonna tell you what happens. Very soon, Axe will go over to Pebble and ask to form an alliance, but he’ll run off in fear and into you, knocking him, you and me off the formation.

SNOWFLAKE: Hmph.

[Meanwhile]

PEBBLE: Oh no, why am I on this huge splinter?

AXE: Hi Pebble, do you wanna form an alliance?

PEBBLE: OH NO!!!!! IT’S HUGE WOODY-METALLY THING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! [Runs towards SNOWFLAKE and KEY, knocking them and himself out of the competition]

KEY: Told you.

LAMP: Ah, yes, this competition’s going well. But wait, we’re missing a contestant.

BUCKET: Umm… sorry I’m late, I was too busy crying…

LAMP: Anyway, Bucket, you need to go up onto the formation. [teleports BUCKET up to the others]

BUCKET: Nah. I can’t be bothered to compete today. [jumps off]

LAMP: Well THAT was a bit awkward. Anyway, continue!

[RADIO sneaks up on ORANGE and BLUEBERRY]

RADIO: Hi guys! Can I be in your alliance?

ORANGE: AHHH! I’ll think about it if you never spy on us again. What do you think, Blueberry?

BLUEBERRY: I, uh… think it’s not a bad idea actually! An alliance with three members is very strong and original!

RADIO: Come on Orange, Blueberry’s right! Oh, and I’ll never spy on you two again.

ORANGE: Hmmm… sure, why not?

RADIO: YAY!

[Meanwhile…]

TRAINER: Hey Potato! YOU are one of the only ones standing in the way of victory!

POTATO: where’d your leg go?!

TRAINER: [sighs] You’re such an idiot, Potato! [kicks him off]

MAGNET: Hey! What’d you do that for?! Potato did nothing to you!

TRAINER: Hmph. Well, in this competition, the strongest survive. That pathetic little Potato didn’t even stand a chance anyway!

MAGNET: But he’s still a person… I think.

RING: I’m backing up Magnet on this one! He’s just soooooo smart.

[Pause]

TRAINER: Whatever. Let’s just settle this like proper guys.

MAGNET: Very well! May the best object w- [TRAINER pushes him off]

RING: Trainer! OMG, why are you so mean to Magnet! He’s my booooooooyfriiiiiend.

TRAINER: Ugh, stupid stuff like love would hinder my chances of winning. I don’t want to get involved. [leaves]

RING: Nooo, Magnet! If he falls, I fall too! [Jumps off]

LAMP: Alright, the only remaining contestants are:

            Orange

            Blueberry

            Axe

Radio

Highlighter

Trainer

Paddle

Sandpaper

And Lettuce! Let’s carry on, but with a new twist!

ORANGE: New twist?! I want to hear it!

LAMP: The floor is starting to collapse!

RADIO: Wait, what?! [Floor collapses under RADIO]

BLUEBERRY: No, Radio!

LAMP: So, only eight contestants remain. Keep going, and try to survive!

[HIGHLIGHTER runs up to PADDLE]

PADDLE: Hi there, Highlighter. What’s up? [HIGHLIGHTER gestures frantically to the floor] Sorry, I can’t exactly understand what you’re doing. [The floor crumbles under HIGHLIGHTER and PADDLE] Oh.

AXE: Trainer, so Pebble wouldn’t form an alliance with me, but could you-

TRAINER: OK, I know I’m trying to take this seriously, but you’re too bloodthirsty! DON’T KILL MEEEEE… [runs away]

[ORANGE is trying to make SANDPAPER come out of his shell]

ORANGE: So, Sandpaper, how far do you think you’re gonna go in the game?

SANDPAPER: Go away.

ORANGE: Aw, come on, Sandy, I’m trying to crack your shell open!

SANDPAPER: Well, it’s not working.

ORANGE: Huh. [Pause, then pushes SANDPAPER off]

BLUEBERRY: Orange!

ORANGE: What is it, Blueberry?

BLUEBERRY: We’re the Final 5!

ORANGE: Cool! I hope we don’t win though, cause we’ll be on separate teams!

BLUEBERRY: Yeah… someone needs to step up their game… [AXE walks over and treads on BLUEBERRY accidentally, killing her]

ORANGE: Oh my gosh, Axe, you monster! You KILLED my ally! And now you’ll pay! [Picks up AXE and throws him off the formation] Well, at least now we can be on the same team.

[With LETTUCE]

TRAINER: Outta my way, nice girl! I have to win!

LETTUCE: [Sighs] Okay, Trainer. You can push me off. I am a “nice girl,” after all.

TRAINER: Wow, uh, thanks. [Just before he pushes LETTUCE off, he get pushed off by LETTUCE!]

LETTUCE: Not only am I kind, I’m also very cunning!

LAMP: So, we have the two team captains that will choose the teams very very soon…

ORANGE: Yay! I didn’t think I could win this [starts having spasms of excitement]


LETTUCE: I hope our team can do well…

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